


Between the Shadow and the Soul

by hizashi



Series: Accidents of Life [2]
Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-05
Updated: 2017-09-05
Packaged: 2018-12-24 03:37:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12004185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hizashi/pseuds/hizashi
Summary: "I don’t love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz,or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:I love you as one loves certain obscure things,secretly, between the shadow and the soul."Sonnet XVII, Pablo NerudaJunhwe had somehow nestled himself into that dark, special place between Jinhwan's heart and soul.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a direct sequel to Accidents of Life. Although you could read this without having read AoL, I strongly recommend reading it first. (I know it's long...)
> 
> This story is split into two parts: Hidden Blooms (chapters 1-10) and Salt Spray Rose (chapter 11). I had at one point posted SSR separately, but I have combined them now. I hope at least one person out there enjoys this.
> 
> Dedicated with love to my hunny pot ♥

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I hate this."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  **Part 01: Hidden Blooms**
> 
> "I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom but carries  
> the light of those flowers, hidden, within itself,  
> and thanks to your love the tight aroma that arose  
> from the earth lives dimly in my body."  
> \- Sonnet XVII, Pablo Neruda

When Jinhwan wakes up, he reaches automatically for Junhwe, but he feels only cold sheets. The moment of panic and confusion is brief because Jinhwan’s half-asleep brain soon wakes up enough to remind him that Junhwe is in the other room. Jinhwan yawns. He doesn't like sleeping by himself. He checks his phone—nothing that requires his immediate attention—and shuffles from his room to the kitchen. He's brewed a pot of coffee, gotten himself some fruit, and is flicking through news stories on his phone when he hears Junhwe. The door to the spare room bursts open, followed by Junhwe’s hacking coughs and stomping feet. Then the bathroom door opens and slams shut, and Jinhwan sighs quietly. Even when he has the flu, Junhwe is still a natural disaster in the morning. 

Jinhwan finishes off his fruit, drains his cup of coffee, and cleans the kitchen. Then he heads to the spare room to check on Junhwe. The door is slightly ajar, and only the top of Junhwe’s head, the tips of his fingers, and half of his phone are visible over the edge of the covers. Jinhwan smiles. “You feeling better babe?” Junhwe grunts. “Want me to heat you up some soup?” Junhwe grunts again, and Jinhwan goes back to the kitchen. He warms a bowl of soup and pours a glass of water, and with a resigned sigh he puts on a mask. Then he carries the soup and the water into the spare room. Junhwe is sitting up now, his own mask on, and he takes the soup from Jinhwan, who puts the water on the nightstand. They look at each other for a moment, and then Junhwe sets his soup on the nightstand beside the water and makes a disappointed noise.

“I hate this,” he says quietly.  
“I know, but it's just for another day or two.”

Jinhwan has been in remission for years (cured, even, some doctors would say), but aside from the occasional bout of fatigue, the odd rash, and of course the bruising, he doesn't have too many noticeable lingering effects of either his cancer or its treatment. He has, however, had a very low white blood cell count since his illness, and though there's never been anything to suggest that he's severely immunocompromised, his haggard immune system does suffer from a greater risk of complications. So after Jinhwan and Junhwe had first moved in together, they had decided that if Junhwe were to get very sick, he would put some distance between himself and Jinhwan. That had meant the couch in their first two apartments, but now it means the spare room. Jinhwan doesn't allow Junhwe to quarantine himself over something like a cold or a cough, but this time he'd gotten the flu, and Jinhwan just can't afford to let himself get that sick. He'd be ill for ages, and it could develop into something even worse. So Junhwe has spent the past few days in the spare room, and both of them hate it; they just can't bear not being able to even touch each other for this long.

Jinhwan slips two fingers under his mask, presses them to his lips, and then touches them to Junhwe’s cheek. Junhwe shuts his eyes. “Only another day or two and you shouldn't be contagious anymore.” Junhwe whimpers and tugs on the strings of Jinhwan’s sweatpants. He whines that another day or two is another day or two too long, and Jinhwan smiles bitterly beneath his mask.

“I told you to get a flu shot.”

Junhwe glares at Jinhwan and then flops back against the pillows, grumbling.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You promised."

“You said you’d go with me.”

Junhwe pretends to look confused, but Jinhwan can see right through it. For a while now he’s wanted to get back into dancing, but it isn’t exactly like he can just dive right back in and pick up where he’d left off. So instead Jinhwan had settled on yoga—it can help rebuild his strength and stamina, help regain his lost flexibility, and help with some of his anxiety (or so he hopes, anyway). He doesn’t want to do it by himself, though, and he’d managed to wheedle Junhwe into agreeing to do it with him. Not that it takes much effort for Jinhwan to convince Junhwe to do anything because Junhwe is so weak when it comes to Jinhwan, but this had been a bit of an uphill battle. First Junhwe had complained that it isn’t manly, which had caused Jinhwan to launch into a fifteen-minute diatribe about harmful gender stereotyping, and seriously, Goo Junhwe, you’re going to talk about what is and isn’t manly to someone who used to be a professional ballet dancer? There had been a series of other excuses ranging from the class is too early to he thinks his coworker’s wife might go there, but Jinhwan had shut them all down. Junhwe had eventually ceded, Jinhwan had signed them up, and that had been that. 

But now Junhwe is being difficult. Jinhwan knows that Junhwe doesn’t really want to go and that he’s only going at all because he loves Jinhwan, but he should at least try to enjoy it. Who knows—he could even end up liking it. Jinhwan throws a pair of basketball shorts at Junhwe’s head. “You _promised._ ” Junhwe heaves a sigh and pulls the shorts on. “I can’t believe I’m about to embarrass myself with how inflexible I am in front of a bunch of housewives,” Junhwe grumbles. Jinhwan just laughs.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What's the big emergency?"

Jinhwan is in the shower. He’s running through a mental list of everything he needs to get done this weekend when he hears Junhwe yelling: “Jinan!” He stops shampooing his hair for a moment and then rolls his eyes. There’s no way Junhwe can’t hear the shower running, and Jinhwan isn’t about to have a conversation by shouting across the house. Besides, if it’s really important, Junhwe will just barge into the bathroom anyway. “Jinan!” Jinhwan goes back to washing his hair, dutifully ignoring Junhwe. All he wants to do is shower in peace. The shouting, however, is soon replaced by the banging of cabinets and drawers. No, it seems that Jinhwan really will not be allowed to shower in peace. He rinses the shampoo from his hair and then squirts some conditioner into his palm. It’s quiet now. Jinhwan smiles; maybe Junhwe will be considerate after all.

Jinhwan has just gotten out of the shower and is toweling his hair dry when the door to the bathroom flies open and Junhwe bursts in. “Jinan!” he booms.   
Jinhwan makes a face. “I’m literally three steps away from you; why are you screaming?”  
“I’ve been calling you for _ages_ and it’s an _emergency,_ ” Junhwe cries dramatically.  
“What’s the big emergency?”  
“I can’t find the iPad!”

Annoyed that Junhwe had been screaming about something so trivial, Jinhwan flings the wet towel he’d been using to dry his hair at Junhwe, who shrieks girlishly and flees the bathroom.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "More than anything."

Jinhwan is browsing the shirt section of a store in the mall while Hanbin trails after him, fussing with his phone. Jinhwan’s own phone starts ringing—Junhwe.

“Hey babe.”  
“Hey.”  
“What’s up?” Jinhwan asks as he puts the shirt he’d been carrying around back on the rack.  
“Just wondering when you’re coming home.”  
“Soon. I’m with Hanbinie and got kind of distracted shopping.”

Jinhwan beckons Hanbin over, and they head for Hanbin’s car while Junhwe tells Jinhwan about his day. His coworkers are all morons (still). Jinhwan chuckles. Once they shut the doors to the car, Junhwe asks for an ETA.

“Like fifteen minutes,” Jinhwan replies, glancing at Hanbin for confirmation. Hanbin nods. “So what are you making me?”  
“The lemon pasta thing. It’s almost done.”  
“Oooh, sounds delicious.”  
“Wait,” interrupts Hanbin, half-laughing, “that kid _cooks?_ ”  
“Yes,” Jinhwan says with a smirk. “It’s pretty good too. Wanna have dinner with us?”  
Hanbin wets his lips. “Well, if you think his cooking won’t kill me…”  
Jinhwan rolls his eyes. “Like I’d put garbage in my body; you know that.”  
“True… Is he okay with it though?”

Jinhwan returns his attention to Junhwe.

“I’ve invited Hanbin over. Did you make enough?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Are you decent?”  
Junhwe snorts. “Yeah, he can come; it’s fine.”  
“Okay then I’ll see you soon.”  
“Yeah,” Junhwe says. “I love you.”  
“More than anything,” Jinhwan responds with a small smile.

When he hangs up, he notices the huge, absurd smirk spread across Hanbin’s face. He pretends not to know why.

“What’s wrong with you?” he asks gruffly.  
“You guys are so domestic and cute.”  
“Fuck off.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Damn, hyung, don't you love us?"

Hanbin comes over to the table carrying three coffees and a slice of cake. Jinhwan has no idea how Hanbin has managed to balance all of that in just his two hands, but he skillfully sets everything down on the table and produces three forks from somewhere. “Enjoy,” he says happily. “My treat.” Bobby cheers and takes a huge bite of the cake. Hanbin starts whining. “Hyung, not all of it, fuck.” Jinhwan chuckles and takes a sip of his coffee. It’s been a while since the three of them have had the time to get together. Jinhwan still texts them all the time, but they’re all so busy that it isn’t really _all the time,_ and they just don’t meet up like they used to. When they were all in school, it had been easy; Hanbin and Bobby had lived together, Jinhwan had practically lived with them too, and it had just been a matter of catching the number 12 bus from the student center if Jinhwan had ever wanted to see them. But now Bobby spends all of his free time in the library, Jinhwan had gone back to school, and Hanbin… Jinhwan tilts his head thoughtfully. “What’s new with you anyway, Hanbin?” Hanbin beams at the question, and Jinhwan starts to realize that Hanbin had gotten them all together deliberately.

“I got a new job!” he announces proudly.  
“Aye, that’s great!” Bobby says in English, punching Hanbin’s shoulder affectionately.   
“Fantastic!” Jinhwan agrees with a smile. “What’s the job?”

He’s an advisor at the university now, apparently. How he’d finagled that Jinhwan isn’t sure, but he’s happy for Hanbin nonetheless. Hanbin had been floundering in an awful office job since graduation where he’d been overworked and underpaid, but from what he’s described of his new position, it seems much more up his alley. Less soul-crushing, anyway. After they let Hanbin gush about his job, they let Bobby ramble about his dissertation work (not that they let him go on for long), and then Hanbin and Bobby turn to Jinhwan expectantly. Jinhwan avoids their eyes and fingers the rim of his cup. “Well?” Hanbin asks. “What about you? How’s school?” Jinhwan chews his lip and tells them school is fine, and Bobby leans forward in his seat, a contemplative frown on his face. “What aren’t you telling us?” Jinhwan sighs. He knows they’re going to completely lose it. 

“We got couple rings.”

Bobby leaps from his seat so fast that his chair falls over, and Hanbin shrieks so loudly that nearly everyone in the café turns to look at them. (Nasty stares, at that.) Jinhwan’s whole face is burning; he feels like an idiot. Bobby fixes his chair and drags it closer to Jinhwan (and that of course is just as loud as when it had fallen over), and then he grabs Jinhwan’s wrists to peer at his fingers. “But I don’t see any—” His eyes widen when he notices Jinhwan’s bracelet. It’s thick black silk thread, tied to either side of a silver ring. “We’re trying to be discreet,” Jinhwan mutters. Bobby yanks Jinhwan’s arm across the table to show Hanbin, who is flailing and squealing and fuck, hyung, _why didn’t you tell us?_ Jinhwan shrugs, still embarrassed, because it’s not like they’re engagement rings or something. Couldn’t be, not even if Jinhwan wanted them to be… Hanbin and Bobby seem to have noticed Jinhwan’s discomfort, and Bobby nudges Jinhwan’s leg under the table with his foot. “His is on a necklace,” Jinhwan says without looking at either of them. “Less noticeable since it’s under his shirt, he says.” Bobby and Hanbin exchange a glance, and then Bobby asks when they got them. Jinhwan shrugs. He got them for their last anniversary. Hanbin and Bobby nod, but then Hanbin points an accusatory finger at Jinhwan.

“Wait a minute, that was three months ago! You’ve had them for three months and you didn’t tell us?”  
Bobby looks offended. “Damn, hyung, don’t you love us?”  
“Don’t you _trust_ us?” Hanbin asks snippily.  
“There was a time when you—”  
“Told us everything—”  
“Couldn’t _not_ tell us everything—”  
“You—”  
“Okay,” Jinhwan interrupts loudly. “Okay, I get it, but we didn’t get them to make a statement.”

He glares at Hanbin and Bobby, but the two of them are looking at him with the same dreamy expression, and Jinhwan huffs.

“Man, Hanbin was telling me how domestic and cute you guys are, but I never imagined it was this bad—”  
“Fuck _off,_ ” Jinhwan grumbles.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I know."

Jinhwan is up late working on a paper that his advisor hopes will be published. He should probably leave it for the morning when he’s fresh, but he’s waiting up for Junhwe anyway, so he might as well try to get some work done. Junhwe had texted him a while ago, saying he’d been bullied into going to the afterparty, and Jinhwan is just starting to wonder if Junhwe is going to make the last train when Junhwe himself comes through the door. He looks upset. Jinhwan closes his laptop and sets it on the coffee table, and Junhwe crosses the room to kiss him. “What’s wrong?” Junhwe doesn’t respond; instead, he disappears into their room. Jinhwan frowns at the door in concern, but Junhwe reemerges after a few minutes in his pajamas and sinks onto the couch beside Jinhwan. He’s quiet, but Jinhwan doesn’t press him. Something isn’t quite right.

“I was almost outed at dinner.”

Jinhwan blinks, stunned. He can’t think of anything to say. Only two people at Junhwe’s job know he’s in a relationship with another man—his boss’s boss (a tough-as-nails foreign woman whom Junhwe respects a great deal) and one of his team members (the only one Junhwe had really connected with). Occasionally Junhwe will come home annoyed because his team members have tried to set him up with girls or ragged on him about the secret girlfriend they’re convinced he has, but as far as Jinhwan knows, they’re all blissfully unaware of Junhwe’s actual relationship status. In fact, Jinhwan had been sure that they don’t really care about what Junhwe gets up to at all and are just teasing him. But for Junhwe to be this distressed over nearly being outed means that they probably do care—in all the wrong ways.

Junhwe leans back and runs his hands over his face before letting them fall heavily into his lap. He’s staring up at the ceiling, listless. Jinhwan takes one Junhwe’s hands in both of his. “What happened?” Junhwe remains quiet for several long moments, and then he sighs and recounts what had happened in a dull voice.

A few of Junhwe’s coworkers had seen part of Jinhwan’s reply to Junhwe’s text that he’d be home late (it had included “can’t wait to see you”), and they’d gone completely bananas, apparently. Snatched Junhwe’s phone from him (thank god it’s locked), interrogating him about what the name of the sender had been (Jinyoung had been the favorite guess), and questioning him about who he’s got waiting at home. Junhwe had dodged their questions as best he could, but they’d been emboldened by alcohol and wouldn’t give it a rest. One colleague (the biggest fuckwad of the lot, according to Junhwe) had even gone so far as to suggest that the reason Junhwe is being evasive is because he’s actually a homo and the mysterious Jinyoung is a guy rather than a girl. Junhwe’s refusal to engage with that colleague had seemed to only fuel the suspicions of the men at the table until Junhwe had snapped and shouted, “So what if I am fucking gay?” They had just looked at him in disbelief until the one teammate he’d trusted with his secret saved him: He’d managed to turn Junhwe’s outburst into a joke, which, along with another round of beer, had helped the table forget why they’d been seriously debating Junhwe’s sexuality in the first place.

“It got really close, Jinan,” Junhwe says in a small voice. “If they’d had like a minute to process what I’d said—on top of everything else, nothing would’ve mattered and they’d’ve thought I’m gay no matter what I did or said after that.”  
Jinhwan squeezes Junhwe’s hand. “But your coworker shook them off.”  
“He shouldn’t’ve had to though.”  
“I know,” Jinhwan says with a sigh.  
Junhwe twists around, gathering Jinhwan up in his arms and hiding his face in Jinhwan’s neck. “The world really sucks sometimes,” he mumbles.  
Jinhwan rubs Junhwe’s back. “I know.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Fuck, I forgot."

Jinhwan hangs up the call, drops his phone beside him on the bed, and runs a hand over his face. Junhwe won’t be happy about this. Bobby either. Frankly, Jinhwan is unhappy about it too, but he might as well call Bobby now. He picks his phone back up and dials Bobby. “Bad news,” Jinhwan says as he throws the covers off of himself and rolls out of bed. “I need you to take me to the doctor tomorrow at four.” Bobby immediately starts complaining (he’d blocked off noon to five to work on his dissertation, apparently), and Jinhwan huffs. “Look, it’s the only time they could get me in in the next three weeks, and I need to get blood work done.” The last time Jinhwan had gone in when he’d gotten sick, his counts had been low even for him. He’d mentioned this to his doctor at his most recent checkup the other day, and he’d wanted some tests. “They could only get me in then.” Bobby grumbles, but he’ll do it. Of course he will. Jinhwan knows Bobby would have dropped everything no matter what when it comes to Jinhwan’s health, and Bobby knows without even having to ask that if Jinhwan had come to him, there must be some reason why Junhwe can’t do it.

Jinhwan gets dressed and heads for the kitchen. There’s fresh coffee. Jinhwan gets himself a cup and turns around to see Junhwe walking into the kitchen. “Morning,” Junhwe says with a yawn. Jinhwan smiles and stretches out his free arm. “C’mere.” Junhwe lopes over and scoops Jinhwan up. Jinhwan pats his back. He’d better do this delicately; no use getting Junhwe riled up first thing in the morning. He suggests they sit, and they move to the table.

“Junhwe,” Jinhwan starts, “you know how I have to get some blood tests?”  
“Yeah.”  
“I called and they can only get me in tomorrow.”  
“What time?”  
“Four, but that’s not the point.”  
Junhwe tilts his head in confusion. “I don’t get it.”  
“We were supposed to pick up my nephew tomorrow, remember?”  
Junhwe groans. “Fuck, I forgot.” Jinhwan says nothing, and then Junhwe groans again. “Fuck, and I have to get him while you’re at the doctor, is that it?”  
“Yes, dear, that’s it.”  
“Why can’t like Bobby-hyung get him and I take you to the doctor?”  
“Because I might trust Bobby with me but the only one I trust with my nephew is you,” Jinhwan says, matter-of-fact.

Junhwe perks up a little at that.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "This is still the most adorable thing I've ever seen."

Bobby is driving Jinhwan home, and Jinhwan is nibbling on some bread. “Thanks for doing this.” Bobby just shrugs. They’re quiet for a while, and then Jinhwan asks Bobby if he’d like to come over for dinner. Bobby shrugs again. Jinhwan looks at the gauze on his arm. It’s sore. He pops the rest of the bread into his mouth and runs a finger around the bandage. He already knows how awful it will look, and even though he doesn’t think his tests will come back with any abnormalities, he can feel the old anxieties prickling in the back of his mind. He wets his lips. “Junhwe ordered pizza.” Bobby laughs. “Well in that case, count me in.” He glances at Jinhwan, and from the expression on his face, Jinhwan can tell that Bobby understands exactly what Jinhwan needs right now. They get to Jinhwan’s apartment complex a few minutes later, and once inside, Jinhwan is met with the cutest sight he’s ever seen: Junhwe is lying on the couch, asleep, and sleeping on his chest is Jinhwan’s nephew. There’s a bowl of popcorn on the coffee table next to an open pizza box, and Jinhwan notices several candy bar wrappers on the table as well. There’s a Disney movie playing on TV, and Jinhwan smiles; he can’t help it.

He feels Bobby’s arm around his shoulders. “Tired each other out, I bet.”  
Jinhwan looks up at him. “He loves hanging out with Junhwe because Junhwe lets him do whatever he wants.”  
“Not surprised,” Bobby says with a laugh. “He might be up all night though if he sleeps too much now.”  
“Perhaps,” Jinhwan says, pulling out his phone, “but this is still the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen.”

He takes a bunch of pictures, and then he carefully removes his nephew from Junhwe’s arms and carries him to the spare room. Jinhwan tucks his nephew in, turns out the light, and heads back out into the living room. Junhwe is still out cold, so Jinhwan pulls the throw blanket off the back of the couch and drapes it over Junhwe. Junhwe shifts a little in his sleep but doesn’t wake up, and Jinhwan smooths Junhwe’s hair. Then he makes his way to the kitchen to join Bobby and the pizza (Bobby had absconded with the entire box) so he can talk out his fears surrounding his blood tests. They chat for a while until Junhwe waddles into the kitchen, the blanket covering his head and shoulders. He stops when he notices Bobby, stares at him for a moment, and then sighs.

“Should’ve known you’d be unable to resist the allure of pizza.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You mean we're the only domestic old ladies."

Jinhwan is cleaning the apartment. Junhwe is better about being neat nowadays, but he still leaves things lying around all over the house. But Jinhwan doesn’t mind tidying up—the simplicity and mindlessness of the task calms him, somehow—and the apartment has to be clean for tonight anyway: They’re having Donghyuk’s going away party. Junhwe had complained, but as Jinhwan had explained time and again, nowhere else is suitable. “Everyone else is having some type of problem.” Hanbin’s place is too tiny—even tinier now, Jinhwan had reminded Junhwe, because Bobby is squatting with him after moving out of his ex-girlfriend’s place; Chanwoo had just moved back to the area and is staying with Yunhyeong and his girlfriend until he can find a place; and Donghyuk is in the process of moving so his place is in a state of disarray. “We are the only stable ones in the whole group,” Jinhwan had said, a note of finality in his voice. Junhwe had rolled his eyes and retorted, “You mean we’re the only domestic old ladies.” Jinhwan had wanted to be irritated, but really, that description isn’t too far off the mark.

So as a result of their friends’ unsuitable living arrangements, Jinhwan had volunteered his apartment, and now he’s stuck cleaning. He’d probably have woken Junhwe up to help him by now (most of the mess is Junhwe’s, anyway), but Junhwe had worked late last night. He’d been too busy to even call (there had been a few texts saying things weren’t looking promising), and Jinhwan had been upset to see a _don’t wait up for me_ text after his shower. He had, of course, attempted to stay up, but being a domestic old lady, he hadn’t managed it. Instead, he’d woken up to a trail of Junhwe’s clothes from the front door to their bed, as if he’d started stripping as soon as he’d walked in. Junhwe himself had been completely hidden under the covers, and his phone on the nightstand hadn’t even been plugged in. Jinhwan had plugged it in for him when he’d gotten up, at which point he’d noticed all the notifications for texts and emails that had come in the wee hours of the morning. Apparently there had been work still to be done when Junhwe had come home.

So Jinhwan is letting Junhwe sleep.

He’s finished cleaning most of the house (at least, the parts that guests will see) and is writing out a grocery list for Junhwe (Jinhwan can’t be expected to do _all_ the work) when Junhwe himself shuffles out of their bedroom. He looks awful. Jinhwan frowns. “So what was the big emergency?” Junhwe groans and rubs his eyes because he doesn’t even want to talk about it, Jinan, and he has to go in today too. Jinhwan folds his arms across his chest and leans back in his chair, eyes narrowed. “You’re remembering the party tonight, right?” Junhwe sits beside Jinhwan at the kitchen table, hunched over a bowl of cereal. He shoves a spoonful into his mouth and rolls his eyes. “Cut the attitude.” Junhwe sits up straight. He’ll do whatever Jinhwan wants as long as it’s after work. Jinhwan asks him how long that will be, and Junhwe shrugs. Two or three hours, maybe. Jinhwan slides the grocery list across the table with a sigh. “Pick up this stuff on your way back. Just make sure you’re back by five. And please don’t forget to sign the card.” Junhwe slurps up the last of his cereal, burps, and nods. Then he gets up and strolls from the kitchen, pecking Jinhwan on the cheek on his way out. In the time it takes for Junhwe to get dressed and brush his teeth, he’s gone again. And he had, of course, left both his empty bowl and the list on the table. Jinhwan massages his temples with a sigh.

It’s just going to be one of those days.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You'd better."

Jinhwan, Junhwe, Chanwoo, and Yunhyeong are seeing Donghyuk off at the airport. Jinhwan feels bittersweet. “You know I’ll be back every summer,” Donghyuk assures him. “Don’t cry, hyung.” Jinhwan pouts, trying to keep his emotions in check, but it’s a bit overwhelming. There aren’t a lot of people out there who get both Jinhwan _and_ Junhwe. When it’s finally time for Donghyuk to go through security, he gives them all another hug. “I’m gonna miss you,” Jinhwan says. Donghyuk smiles, embarrassed. “Don’t worry—I’ll still text you.” Jinhwan gives Donghyuk one last hug. “You’d better.” But now it’s time for Donghyuk to go, and they all wave goodbye as he disappears through the security gate. Jinhwan sniffles, and Junhwe’s arm finds its way around his shoulders. 

Jinhwan really will miss Donghyuk because Donghyuk just gets them—gets them both—and Jinhwan isn’t quite ready to let that go.


	11. Salt Spray Rose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
> **Part 02: Salt Spray Rose**
> 
>  
> 
> "I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,  
> I love you directly without problems or pride:  
> I love you like this because I don’t know any other way to love,  
> except in this form in which I am not or are you,  
> so close that your hand upon my chest is mine,  
> so close that your eyes close with my dreams."  
> \- Sonnet XVII, Pablo Neruda

Jinhwan hooks up his computer to the TV and pulls up his presentation. He frowns at the computer screen for a moment and then looks up to glare at Junhwe when Junhwe clears his throat loudly. His expression is clearly asking why Jinhwan is making him sit through Jinhwan’s presentation. Jinhwan, frankly, couldn’t care less about Junhwe’s displeasure. In fact, he finds it rather rich coming from Junhwe, who routinely forces Jinhwan to sit through his entire set whenever he has a performance. “Don’t be a dick and at least pretend to be engaged.” Junhwe huffs and slouches lower on the couch. “But it’s in English.” Jinhwan clucks his tongue disapprovingly. Junhwe has passable English, and he even works for a foreign company. Not that he needs to be fluent or anything—and he certainly isn’t that—but he can get by well enough to at least follow the gist of Jinhwan’s presentation (or so Jinhwan hopes). But Jinhwan really doesn’t care if Junhwe understands him or not; he just wants someone to practice on before he has to stand in front of a room full of professionals and academics and not only discuss his research, but do it in English. Just the thought has his heart pounding in his chest even now, but he swallows hard and looks at Junhwe.

“Okay, I’m gonna start. Can you sit up please?” Junhwe sits up, grumbling, and Jinhwan puts on his best smile. “Hello everyone, I’m Jinhwan Kim, and my research interests lie primarily in coping and stress in cancer patients. My talk today will be on the effects of personal control on coping processes in chronically and terminally ill teenagers and young adults, as well as the eventual adaptational and adjustment outcomes of these coping processes. Through this research I hope to establish…”

Jinhwan has just said thank you and asked for questions when the alarm on his phone starts ringing to let him know that he’s gone the full forty-five minutes. He smiles, rather pleased with himself, and skips over to Junhwe to drink his water. Jinhwan drains Junhwe’s cup in one gulp and then plops down beside him on the couch. Junhwe’s arm automatically finds Jinhwan’s shoulders and pulls him closer. “How was it?” Junhwe snorts. “I have absolutely no idea what you were talking about, but you sounded smart as hell. You’re gonna kill it at the conference.” Jinhwan beams and kisses Junhwe, who tugs Jinhwan into his lap. Jinhwan giggles as Junhwe kisses his neck, his fingers threading through Junhwe’s hair, and he feels good. Life is good, and Jinhwan is content. Not only had he found a simple peace in his life again, but he’s also been able to maintain it for quite some time now. He can’t ask for much more than that.

It’s three weeks until the conference, late Saturday night, and Jinhwan has a cold. He shuffles from the bedroom to the living room and settles himself on the couch beside Junhwe. Junhwe has the television on and is messing around on the iPad. Jinhwan takes the blanket from Junhwe and wraps himself up in it. “So you’re not gonna ask me how I am?” Junhwe doesn’t look up from the iPad. “You look like shit.” Jinhwan would hit him if he could, but currently only his head is free from the clutches of the blanket. “At least I’m sick,” he retorts. “What’s your excuse?” Junhwe pretends to be hurt, but then he sets the iPad down on the coffee table, sits up straight, and stretches. Then he presses the back of his hand to Jinhwan’s forehead. “Why are you up anyway?” He tells Jinhwan that he should be in bed, resting. Jinhwan wriggles partially out of his blanket burrito and takes the iPad from the table. Doesn’t Junhwe remember that Donghyuk is supposed to FaceTime them about the trip? Junhwe leans back against the couch with a sigh. He’d forgotten. Of course he had.

Jinhwan’s upcoming conference presentation is in the States, and the timing had worked out in such a way that both he and Donghyuk are on summer vacation. And since Jinhwan had asked and been granted permission for Junhwe to sit in on his presentation (Jinhwan desperately needs the moral support), and since they’re going all the way to the US and spending all that money anyway, they’d decided to make a trip out of it. “We can visit Donghyuk too,” Jinhwan had said. Junhwe had feigned horror, but Jinhwan knows that Junhwe misses Donghyuk. Donghyuk has been a sort of cushion to Junhwe’s more prickly side since middle school— _especially_ in middle and high school—and even though Junhwe has mellowed out considerably over the years, Donghyuk is still one of the very few people who can handle him at his worst. So Jinhwan knows that Junhwe misses having someone around whom he can just be himself. Honestly, Jinhwan misses that too; Bobby and Hanbin don’t really get Junhwe like they get Jinhwan.

Jinhwan pats Junhwe’s arm, and Junhwe leans back, his arm curling around Jinhwan’s waist. Jinhwan has just gotten comfortable when his throat starts to get scratchy again (the medicine must be wearing off), and he frowns at Junhwe’s beer. Of course that asshole isn’t drinking something that Jinhwan can steal, like water. He should have had Junhwe get him a glass before he’d made himself nice and cozy… Maybe he should tell Junhwe to get him one anyway since he’ll be talking a lot, but before he can say anything, Donghyuk is calling him on FaceTime. A wide grin spreads across Jinhwan’s face when he answers and sees Donghyuk waving enthusiastically at him. “Hyung!” Jinhwan tilts the iPad so that Junhwe is in the frame, and both of them greet Donghyuk. “Where’s Brandon?” Jinhwan teases. Donghyuk laughs, embarrassed, a hint of a blush creeping into his cheeks as he says that Brandon is still asleep. A party last night, apparently. They make small talk briefly, and then Donghyuk starts addressing their plans for the trip. Halfway through their discussion on whether they should stay with Brandon’s family in California, Jinhwan starts coughing uncontrollably. It’s bad enough that he completely freaks out both Junhwe and Donghyuk, but when he’s finally able to catch his breath, he mutters hoarsely that he’s fine. Junhwe and Donghyuk both seem unconvinced. “Water, please, dear,” Jinhwan mumbles, massaging his chest. Junhwe looks like the last thing he wants to do is leave Jinhwan’s side for even a moment, but Jinhwan shoves him off the couch.

“Sorry,” he says to Donghyuk. “I’ve got a cold.”

Jinhwan’s cold gets worse over the next few days, culminating finally in Jinhwan’s shaking Junhwe awake in the middle of the night in tears because his head and chest are in so much pain and he can barely catch his breath. A trip to the ER confirms pneumonia—a mild case of a bacterial strain, thankfully. Jinhwan is prescribed some antibiotics and discharged in the afternoon, but his initial feelings of relief at the mildness of his diagnosis are warping into anger the closer he and Junhwe get to the car. Jinhwan has gotten fairly sick a few times over the past several years, but he’s never been as ill as that time he’d fainted in the park. But that incident, it seems, had traumatized Junhwe because every time Jinhwan so much as has the sniffles, Junhwe starts bugging him to see a doctor. On some level Jinhwan understands that Junhwe just wants Jinhwan to be healthy and safe, but it reminds Jinhwan so much of how people had walked on eggshells around him when he’d been undergoing cancer treatment. He’s okay now, and he has to believe that with every fiber of his being or he’ll drive himself mad with the fear of recurrence. Junhwe’s worry makes it difficult to remain positive.

They’re in the car, both silent, and Jinhwan knows that Junhwe is currently working toward telling Jinhwan that he should have gone to the doctor days ago like Junhwe had suggested. He’s also probably going to try to tell Jinhwan that maybe he shouldn’t be traveling either, but as soon as he opens his mouth, Jinhwan cuts him off.

“Jinan, I told—”  
“Don’t fucking start that with me right now, and I’m going to the fucking conference.”

Junhwe, to his credit, doesn’t argue, and when they get home, he retreats to their room when Jinhwan sits himself on the couch. Jinhwan shouldn’t have snapped, but sometimes things like this are just too much for him. He falls asleep on the couch and wakes up sometime later in bed; Junhwe must have moved him. He coughs and rubs his throat. It’s dry and everything hurts. He texts Junhwe: _Hey I’m sorry ㅜㅜ_ Immediately Jinhwan hears the sound of clanging silverware and heavy footfalls as Junhwe practically runs into the room. He asks if Jinhwan is okay, Jinhwan mumbles that he wants water, and Junhwe dashes from the room to get some. He brings in a cup, and Jinhwan takes a few sips. Junhwe chews his lip. “Do you need anything else?” Jinhwan looks at the cup and then at Junhwe. “Will you lie down with me?” Junhwe’s expression of concern softens into one of affection. “Of course. I’m cooking soup, but it’s almost done, so I’ll be back in like ten minutes, okay?” Jinhwan nods, and Junhwe disappears. He returns thirteen minutes later (Jinhwan may or may not have been keeping track) to ask Jinhwan if he wants to eat, but Jinhwan has no appetite. Junhwe leaves again to clean up the kitchen, but this time when he gets back, he crawls into bed. Jinhwan snuggles up to him. He feels terrible, but as Junhwe’s arms wrap around him, he also feels comforted. “I love you,” he whispers. Junhwe says nothing.

It’s a week and a half later and they’ve just arrived at the hotel, and the only reminder of Jinhwan’s most recent health problem is a persistent cough. But even that isn’t particularly unmanageable, and Jinhwan doesn’t think it will interfere too much with his presentation; he’ll just have to drink a lot of water. Once they get to their hotel room, Junhwe throws himself onto the bed and plugs in his phone. When Jinhwan doesn’t join him, he looks up with a frown. “What’re you doing?” Jinhwan is rummaging through their suitcase for a nicer outfit. “There’s a thing tonight that I want to go to.” Junhwe sits up and complains that he won’t have anything to do, and what’s he supposed to eat for dinner, and why did Jinan drag him to other the side of the _world_ if he’s just gonna _leave_ him? Jinhwan sets his clothes out on the bed with a sigh. “Just order room service,” he says testily before he goes to the bathroom to shower. Junhwe is asleep when Jinhwan gets out—jetlag, Jinhwan is sure. He changes as quietly as he can and then walks to the restaurant. The hotel is only two blocks from campus, and the restaurant is between them, so Jinhwan has little fear of getting himself lost. The dinner is pleasant and English is hard, but Jinhwan doesn’t feel like he’s drowning, so at least there’s that. 

When he gets back to the hotel, Junhwe is asleep, but there are signs that he’d been awake: There’s another used towel on the rack in the bathroom, a half-drunk bottle of soda on the nightstand, and about two-thirds of their luggage is strewn about the room. Jinhwan is exhausted, but he knows the mess will haunt his dreams all night if he leaves it, so he cleans up. He does his best not to wake Junhwe up, but Junhwe stirs when Jinhwan gets into bed. He rolls half on top of Jinhwan, his head resting on Jinhwan’s shoulder. “How was dinner?” he mumbles sleepily. Jinhwan smiles and runs his fingers through Junhwe’s hair. “English is really hard.” Junhwe snorts. “No kidding.” He yawns and snuggles closer, and both of them are asleep within minutes. When Jinhwan’s alarm goes off the next morning, Junhwe is already awake, and Jinhwan tells him that he can’t be too tired today because it’s the day of Jinhwan’s presentation. Junhwe promises to take a nap. They walk to the ballroom where registration is taking place together, and Junhwe waits with Jinhwan until Jinhwan’s advisor arrives. “Meet me back here at 1:30,” Jinhwan tells Junhwe before Junhwe leaves. “You aren’t allowed to be even one minute late.” Junhwe swears on his own life that he won’t be, and Jinhwan can feel his anxiety start to rise as soon as Junhwe turns to walk away. He swallows hard and takes a deep breath. Opening ceremony, one session, a break, another session, lunch, and then his presentation. He just needs to get through this. Plus, he’s got his advisor, so he isn’t totally alone. One less thing to worry about.

Everything is going rather smoothly. The presentations are interesting, and even though they’re in English, Jinhwan has done enough reading on the subject in English that he can follow most of them without much trouble. The break and lunch are more for networking (so not much of a break, especially for Jinhwan and his social anxiety), but even they are doable. His advisor introduces him to various scholars and professionals, and he even works up the courage to approach a few of the committee members he’d corresponded with prior to coming. He’s with one of the committee members now in the ballroom to wait for Junhwe so they can give him a special badge. Junhwe shows up right on time, thankfully, in a nice fitted suit, and the sight of him makes Jinhwan both relaxed and nervous. It’s an odd feeling. The committee member gives Junhwe his badge, and the three of them make their way to the room where Jinhwan will be giving his presentation. He’s introduced to the volunteers who will be keeping time and introducing him, and then the committee member leaves. Jinhwan points to a seat in the first row just to the left of the podium. “Sit there.” Before he goes, Junhwe takes both of Jinhwan’s hands in his, squeezes them reassuringly, and smiles. Then he sits. Jinhwan busies himself with the computer and his notes as the conference attendees trickle in, and then in no time at all the room captain is introducing him and it’s time to start.

“Good afternoon, everyone. As Matt just said, I’m Jinhwan Kim, and today I’m going to be talking to you about coping and stress, but specifically on my research about how personal control affects the coping processes of chronically and terminally ill young adults and what the adaptational and adjustment outcomes of these processes are. So first I’m going to outline my research goals…”

Jinhwan gets through the presentation without a hitch. Every time he’d felt like he might vomit, he would look at Junhwe (who would smile) and feel reenergized. He finishes a few minutes before the time limit, and he gets so many questions that they run over into the next break. He gets more business cards, and a few people tell him that they’re interested in having him submit work for their journals. The excitement of it all keeps Jinhwan afloat while he talks to everyone, but once they’ve all gone, the dam that had been holding back the flood of his anxiety bursts open. Trembling and unable to speak, he just takes Junhwe’s hand and pulls him from the room, from the hall, and moves hurriedly through the courtyard until he finds a bench. As soon as they sit down, Jinhwan starts to cry. It’s… stupid. He doesn’t know why he’s so emotional, but his whole body is shaking and he feels weak. He tries to pull himself together, but he just can’t; the stress and pressure of the last few months have been mounting and now his brain and his body are just trying to cope. With a sigh Junhwe wraps Jinhwan up in his arms and hums. He knows Jinhwan just needs to get it out, that it isn’t serious. Jinhwan calms down eventually, and Junhwe hands him some tissues from Jinhwan’s bag. Jinhwan cleans himself up and then stares at his lap. He feels lighter. “You were great, you know.” Junhwe’s voice sounds far away. Jinhwan smiles weakly. 

They walk slowly back to the hall. The last set of sessions have already begun, so they sit together in the ballroom to wait for the shuttles to the banquet, which is all that’s left for today. Then there’s one more day of the conference, and then Jinhwan can breathe again. The banquet is nice, and even Junhwe manages to make a friend at their table, and the last day of the conference is less overwhelming because Jinhwan is only an attendee. And once the closing ceremony finishes, the relief envelops Jinhwan like a warm embrace. It had been a good experience, but he’s glad the conference is over. He, his advisor, and Junhwe go out to dinner to celebrate Jinhwan’s first successful conference presentation, and then Jinhwan passes out as soon as he and Junhwe are back in their hotel room. It’s been a long, long three days.

They spend one more day in California (mostly so that Jinhwan can recuperate) and leave early the next morning for Boston. Donghyuk and Brandon are waiting for them at the airport, and Jinhwan jumps on Donghyuk as soon as he sees him. Jinhwan and Junhwe are introduced formally to Brandon, who is tall and rather attractive. Jinhwan is impressed; Donghyuk has done well for himself. Brandon flashes them all a handsome smile. “Can I treat you guys to lunch?” Jinhwan tries to tell him no (he just doesn’t want Brandon to pay), but Junhwe hears “lunch” and gives an enthusiastic yes, which is how the four of them end up at a steakhouse that afternoon. Brandon is polite and engaging, and Jinhwan likes him immediately. The only thing is that he, Brandon, and Donghyuk are all speaking in English, so Jinhwan can feel Junhwe getting moodier and moodier as time goes on. Jinhwan understands why, but he hopes this isn’t indicative of how Junhwe will behave for the next week. He keeps a hand on Junhwe’s thigh under the table, hoping to pacify him. 

It doesn’t seem to work, however, and Junhwe grows more withdrawn as the day goes on until finally he stands abruptly late that night while they’re chatting and playing cards to announce (in Korean) that he is going to bed. The expression on his face clearly signifies to Jinhwan that Junhwe wants him to come to bed too, but Jinhwan is still enjoying himself. He hasn’t seen Donghyuk in a year; Junhwe is just going to have to deal with that. Brandon takes the opportunity to say that he will be turning in as well, and he leaves. Donghyuk leaves Jinhwan alone for a few minutes to help Junhwe with the bedding (it had all just been washed and hadn’t been made up yet), but he seems troubled when he comes back. “Brandon thinks Junhwe’s crap is because of him.” Jinhwan immediately starts telling Donghyuk that that isn’t true, and Donghyuk shakes his head. “Yeah, you and I know that, but he’s super nervous about meeting you guys, and then to have Junhwe be rude all night…” Jinhwan promises to talk to Junhwe, which he does when he eventually turns in. Junhwe is still up, on his phone, which irritates Jinhwan a bit. If he hadn’t actually been tired… but Jinhwan pushes that thought aside and slides into bed beside Junhwe, who rolls over and tries to kiss him. Jinhwan covers Junhwe’s mouth with his hand and glares.

“You were really rude today.”  
Junhwe frowns. “Wow, okay.”  
“Brandon thought your mood was because of him.”  
Junhwe runs a hand over his face with a sigh. “But it wasn’t.”  
“Yeah, me and Donghyuk know that because we know you, but he doesn’t.”  
“English is hard! It’s hard to keep up!”  
“I know, I know…” Jinhwan fixes Junhwe’s bangs. “But can you at least try to be a little more into it? For Donghyuk?”  
“Yeah, yeah,” Junhwe mutters, and Jinhwan smiles.  
“Good,” he says, then he pecks Junhwe on the forehead and settles down to sleep.

Junhwe does put in more of an effort to be open and friendly over the rest of the vacation, and Jinhwan is grateful. Junhwe is, perhaps counterintuitively, rather shy (and his shyness manifests as aloofness, unfortunately), so Jinhwan is both glad and impressed that Junhwe had managed to overcome both timidity and the language barrier in his dealings with Brandon. But his pleasantness pays off because Brandon relaxes more too, and by the time Donghyuk and Brandon drop Jinhwan and Junhwe off at the airport, Brandon feels like a friend. The trip itself is also enjoyable and, in some ways, healing. They do a few days in Boston and then a few in New York, and in New York Jinhwan reunites with one of his old coaches. He had sent her an email when he’d gotten sick all those years ago, but they’d lost contact soon after. She’s just how Jinhwan remembers her, however, and though the constant ache Jinhwan has felt since his departure from the sport has dulled with time, it’s moments like these that he misses his old life the most. It had felt good to talk to her, though, and it had been somewhat freeing—like he’d finally concluded a very long and winding chapter of his life. After New York all of them travel to California to enjoy the beach and Disneyland, and in what feels like no time at all, Jinhwan finds himself back in Korea.

But he still has a cough.

He’s fine, he assures Junhwe countless times over the next few weeks, even as his cough and condition worsen. He starts getting fevers and muscle pains, and he’s tired constantly. Eventually Junhwe suggests that Jinhwan might have the flu, and with a heavy sense of resignation, Jinhwan agrees. If he’s ever going to recover within a reasonable amount of time, he’s going to need a diagnosis and some antibiotics. He goes to the doctor and is told he has the flu and given some medicine, and he assumes that’s the end of it. But he doesn’t get any better. In fact, he starts feeling even worse. Junhwe starts talking pneumonia, telling Jinhwan to go back to the hospital, but Jinhwan argues that it’s just how his body deals with infections. It’s hard for him. 

He’s been on medication for a while now with no improvements, and today he feels particularly awful. Everything hurts, he’s exhausted, and he can’t stop coughing. He drags himself to the kitchen for some water and is hit by a coughing fit. He can barely breathe, coughing so hard that he’s doubled over, clutching the counter as his knees buckle. “Jinan?” Jinhwan can’t stop coughing long enough to say anything in response. He tastes copper and feels wet globs of mucus hit his hand. He looks and… they’re bloody. “Jinan?” Junhwe calls again. “Are you okay?” No, Jinhwan is not okay. He wants to cry; this isn’t the flu. He hacks up more bloody blobs, wheezing, and Junhwe finally wanders into the kitchen to see if Jinhwan is okay. As soon as he sees Jinhwan, he runs over and gathers Jinhwan up in his arms, rubbing soothing circles into Jinhwan’s back. Jinhwan stops coughing eventually and looks at the mucus his hands. He can feel it, the panic, bubbling in the pit of his stomach and swelling and rising up and boiling over and Jinhwan can’t breathe again, he can’t—

“Jinan, it’s okay, you’re okay.”

Junhwe’s voice floats over to Jinhwan as if from a dream, and Jinhwan realizes that he’s crying. His hands are shaking, and he’s staring at the bloody gunk in his palms. Why is this happening to him? “C’mon, let’s wash up your hands.” Junhwe gently pulls Jinhwan to his feet and turns on the kitchen sink. Jinhwan washes his hands and rinses out his mouth, and then Junhwe envelops Jinhwan in his arms. They stay like that for a long moment before Jinhwan pulls back. “Come lie down with me.” Junhwe follows Jinhwan into their bedroom and they lie down together. Jinhwan is still in so much pain and his head is throbbing, but he tries to focus on anything other than how he feels or what had happened. He can’t think about coughing up blood or what it might mean right now; he needs to keep himself calm. He rests his head on Junhwe’s chest and tries to concentrate on Junhwe’s heartbeat. It has a cathartic effect, and Jinhwan shuts his eyes and holds tighter to Junhwe. “Promise me you’ll go to the doctor tomorrow.” Jinhwan’s chest prickles, and he coughs, just a little. “I promise.”

The next day Jinhwan goes to the hospital, and they run additional tests and prescribe him some different medicines. He knows it can’t be the flu, but he’s still trying to be optimistic, trying to push the worst-case scenario from his mind. It isn’t recurrence. It _can’t_ be recurrence… He’s in the graduate student office on campus reading a book when his phone starts ringing. It’s the hospital, and they want him to come in tomorrow at eleven to discuss his test results. Jinhwan feels sick, but he still tries to suppress his fear. This could mean a lot of things. He checks the time on his phone—it’s still too early to call Junhwe because he’s at work. _Call me when you’re off._ Jinhwan runs a hand over his face, stares at the wall for a moment, and then calls Bobby. “They want to talk to me about the results,” Jinhwan says before Bobby can even get out a hello. He’s quiet for a minute, and then he sighs. “Okay,” Bobby says. “Okay. We can’t assume the worst.” They obviously screwed up with the flu thing, hyung, and are probably just gonna tell Jinhwan why they’d made that mistake. It’ll be fine. Jinhwan says nothing, so Bobby asks him when the appointment is. “Tomorrow at eleven.” Bobby makes a noise of acknowledgement, and Jinhwan closes his eyes. He can see Bobby so clearly, one arm folded across his chest, his brow furrowed, head nodding. “Right,” Bobby says. “Right, well, I’m taking you. I’ll pick you up at 10:30 okay?” Jinhwan’s throat is stuck. He can’t bring himself to speak. “Jinanie-hyung?” Jinhwan opens his eyes. “Yeah,” he says. “Yeah okay.” Bobby asks if he should come over, but Jinhwan tells him no. He asks several times if Jinhwan is sure, but Jinhwan is sure, thank you though, he’ll see Bobby tomorrow. They hang up, and Jinhwan puts his head down on the desk and tries not to cry.

Junhwe calls Jinhwan on his way home. Jinhwan had managed to get himself back home on his own without incident and is now wrapped up in a blanket on the couch. At Jinhwan’s hello Junhwe can tell that something is wrong. “What happened? Is it about that class they’re trying to get you teach?” Jinhwan wishes it were that simple. He rubs his eyes. “I have to go back to the doctor tomorrow. They want to talk to me about my test results.” Junhwe falls silent, and then he lets out a low, slow breath. “But you don’t know what about?” Jinhwan says no, and Junhwe sighs. “Bobby-hyung can go with you, right?” Jinhwan says yes, and he can almost see Junhwe nodding. “Good, as long as you’re not alone. I’ll be home in like ten minutes, okay?” Jinhwan makes a small noise of assent. “I love you,” Junhwe says. Jinhwan smiles and sniffles. “More than anything,” he whispers. Junhwe hangs up.

Jinhwan manages to keep himself together for the rest of the night and the next day. (He may or may not have crushed Bobby’s fingers from holding his hand so hard on their way into the hospital, but Jinhwan thinks damaging the nerve endings in Bobby’s fingers is a small price to pay for a modicum of comfort.) They’re brought into a room by Jinhwan’s GP, Park Ilsung, who tells them to wait for a moment. Jinhwan busies himself by playing with Bobby’s hand. He’ll be fine. It’s nothing. Jinhwan looks up when the door opens, and in walks Ilsung, followed by—Jinhwan’s heart plummets. It’s Jangmi and Sungmi. If they’re here, that means—it means—Jinhwan swallows and forces a smile. “Hi noona, hi Doc, long time no see.” Jangmi grins her signature toothy grin, and Sungmi waves. Ilsung puts up Jinhwan’s chest x-rays. “All right,” he says, “I don’t want to scare you, but you have a nodule here, and I want to stress that we don’t know what it is yet, but just so you know, it could be lung cancer…” Jinhwan stops breathing. Cancer? Again? A secondary cancer… No, he can’t believe this, he can’t believe that he would be given only seven years of relative comfort. Less than five with Junhwe. No… It isn’t fair! Jinhwan doesn’t want to have to go through chemo again. He doesn’t want to put his life on hold again or give up on his dreams again because his body is trying to kill itself. He doesn’t want to put his family and Bobby and Hanbin through all of that again. He doesn’t want Junhwe to ever have to experience that at all. Jinhwan starts hyperventilating, but he’s already having difficulty breathing so his breaths turn to wheezes. Bobby and Jangmi both descend upon him, holding his hands, squeezing his shoulders, telling him that they don’t know what the nodule means yet. “It might not be cancer,” Jangmi says, rubbing Jinhwan’s back. “Given your history, we just wanted to tell you so you’d have time to get yourself mentally prepared for the possibility…” Jinhwan can barely hear her. This can’t be happening. He can’t be dying _again._

They manage to calm him down eventually, and Sungmi asks him if he’s okay to take more tests today. “If you need to take a day, we understand.” But Jinhwan isn’t going to take a day. He lets them take more x-rays, they do some CT scans, and they take some sputum cultures. They won’t biopsy his lung right now, Sungmi says, until they have a closer look at the less invasive diagnostic results. They also interview him extensively, asking about his most recent bout of pneumonia, his trip, where he went… Jinhwan is in a daze. Jangmi walks with him and Bobby to Bobby’s car, and she tries to be reassuring but her presence only fills Jinhwan with dread. He loves Jangmi, dearly, like a strange mix of older sister, mentor, friend, and confidant, but she had been all of those things because of his leukemia. He hasn’t needed her in years, and the fact that he might need her again terrifies him. He doesn’t want to be depressed again. He doesn’t want to feel hopeless again. But he hugs her goodbye, she tells him to call her at any time for any reason, and he and Bobby get in the car. Bobby is texting (Junhwe, Jinhwan assumes, to warn him about Jinhwan’s fragile mental state), and Jinhwan runs a hand through his hair.

“Can we stop at campus on the way back to my place? I want to get some books.”

Bobby nods (of course, hyung, anything you want, hyung!), and they head to campus. Jinhwan tells Bobby to wait in the car because it’ll just be a minute, and Bobby gives him a thumbs up. Jinhwan does go to the office, but he doesn’t get any of his books. Instead, he crawls under his desk, behind the chair, curls up into a ball, and starts to cry. He can’t have cancer. He just can’t have cancer. He doesn’t know how long he stays wedged under the desk before he hears Bobby pounding on the office door. “Hyung! Hyung open up!” Jinhwan had locked the door. He can’t be around anyone right now—not Junhwe, not Bobby, not anyone. Eventually he hears the door open, Bobby thanking someone, and then Bobby drops down on the floor in front of the desk. “Ah, hyung…” He sits down, stretches out his hand, and waits. Jinhwan is able to stop crying, but he stays where he is, hiccupping and gasping for breath. His chest and head feel like they’re on fire. But after a while he unfolds slowly and wipes his face on his sleeve, and then he inches out from under the desk, grabbing Bobby’s outstretched hand as he does. Bobby pulls him into a hug, his head resting on top of Jinhwan’s, his hand rubbing Jinhwan’s back. “Do you want me to call Junhwe?” Jinhwan shakes his head, more tears leaking out. “No,” he says hoarsely, “no, no, no.” Bobby runs a hand through Jinhwan’s hair with a sigh. “Okay,” he says in a soothing voice. “All right, we won’t call him.” Jinhwan buries his face into Bobby’s chest and starts to sob again. Bobby just holds him.

After what feels like an eternity Jinhwan pulls away. Bobby’s expression is heartbroken. Jinhwan looks at the floor, and Bobby smooths Jinhwan’s hair. “C’mon, hyung, let me take you home.” Bobby walks Jinhwan to the car, his arm never leaving Jinhwan’s shoulders. Once they’re at Jinhwan’s apartment, Bobby tells him to take a shower and make himself comfortable. “I’ll get you some food while you’re cleaning up, all right, man?” Jinhwan nods listlessly. He knows Bobby is going to call Junhwe and tell him to come home immediately. But he takes his shower, letting the hot water soak him to the bone. The steam seems to clear his lungs a little bit, and he takes a deep breath. He feels empty. He gets out, dries off, and changes into a sweatshirt (it’s enormous so it must be Junhwe’s, but Jinhwan just doesn’t care) and a pair of shorts and walks out into the living room. Bobby is sitting on the couch, some takeout on the coffee table. He pats the space beside him, and Jinhwan plops down, pressed right up against him. He isn’t hungry, but Bobby forces him to eat. Jinhwan says nothing while Bobby tries to make conversation, so he eventually falls silent. He just puts his arm around Jinhwan’s shoulders while Jinhwan leans against him.

This is how Junhwe finds them when he comes home. He looks scared. “What happened?” he demands. Bobby looks between Junhwe and Jinhwan, and then he sighs. “Go get changed or whatever first, do what you need to do, and then we can talk.” Junhwe gives Bobby an ugly look, but when Jinhwan tells him the same thing, he reluctantly makes his way to the bedroom to put away his things and change out of his suit. He comes out a few minutes later, at which point Bobby stands up. “All right I’ll leave you guys to it.” Jinhwan is still holding Bobby’s hand, undecided as to whether he wants Bobby to stay or not, but Bobby pulls his hand from Jinhwan’s grip. Then he leans down and kisses Jinhwan’s cheek. “I love you so much, man,” he whispers into Jinhwan’s ear. Jinhwan pulls Bobby into a hug and wills himself not to cry. “You’ll handle Hanbin?” he asks quietly. Bobby nods. Hanbin would completely lose it, and Jinhwan can’t deal with that right now. Junhwe sits beside Jinhwan on the couch and thanks Bobby for taking care of him. Bobby nods once, and then he leaves. Junhwe is frowning at Jinhwan, his expression a mix of worry and fear, and Jinhwan rubs his eyes. Then he takes both of Junhwe’s hands in his.

“There’s a nodule in one of my lungs,” Jinhwan says in a shaky voice. “They wanted to tell me that it could be cancerous.”  
The blood drains from Junhwe’s face. “ _What?_ ”  
“They don’t know for sure,” Jinhwan says quickly. He isn’t sure if he’s reassuring Junhwe or himself.  
“You can’t…” Junhwe starts to say, shaking his head. “It’s not… It can’t be…”  
Jinhwan wets his lips. “Look, Junhwe, I understand if—if this is really hard for you. I understand if you don’t want to be with me—”  
Junhwe shoves Jinhwan's hands away and leaps to his feet. “What the fuck, Jinan, are you fucking serious?” he shouts. “You can’t think that after everything—after that time when you fucking ran away—that you’d think that I’d—”  
“Junhwe, that’s not what I was going to say.” Jinhwan looks up at Junhwe, his heart too numb to feel anything at Junhwe’s outburst. Junhwe frowns in confusion.  
“What?”  
“I meant I’ll understand if you don’t want to be with me when I go for treatment. If it’s cancer, I mean.” Junhwe sits back down, his expression blank. Jinhwan continues: “It can be… really hard to see someone have to go through that. My mom couldn’t handle it sometimes. Hanbin couldn’t handle it ever.” Jinhwan fingers the ring on his wrist, and then he looks Junhwe in the eye. “That’s all I meant. Junhwe, I… Junhwe, if you left me—especially now, when I need you the most—I…” Jinhwan’s throat starts to stick up and the tears start to leak out.  
“Fuck, Jinan, fuck I—” Junhwe pulls Jinhwan to him. “I didn’t—I just thought—because before—”  
“I know,” Jinhwan whispers. “I know, that was my fault, I know, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m—”  
“Shhh,” Junhwe soothes. “There isn’t anything to be sorry about. We’ll get through this. We don’t even know if it _is_ cancer, right?”  
Jinhwan says nothing and just holds tighter to Junhwe, his face pressed against Junhwe’s neck.  
“I love you,” Junhwe says. Jinhwan says nothing.

Jinhwan waits nine agonizing days for the hospital to contact him again. He goes in two days later with Junhwe. After Jinhwan’s x-ray had shown a nodule, Junhwe had spoken with his boss’s boss in private and explained everything to her—Jinhwan’s past leukemia and the current secondary cancer scare. She had assured him that he could take off whenever he needed to and all he’d have to do is call or email her. So when Jinhwan has to go in again, Junhwe emails his boss and gets the time off. He had told Jinhwan he wouldn’t miss a single appointment from now on, and he had meant it. Jinhwan is grateful. If it really is cancer, he wants Junhwe to be near him. They’re in Sungmi’s office this time, but Jangmi and Ilsung are there as well. Jinhwan wants to vomit. But Jangmi smiles.

“It isn’t malignant,” Jangmi says cheerfully.  
If Jinhwan hadn’t been sitting down, he thinks he might have collapsed on the spot.  
“We ran a bunch of tests and were having some trouble identifying the cause when Park Ilsung-sshi remembered reading a study about fungal—”  
“I don’t think Jinhwan needs the whole backstory, Sungmi,” Jangmi interrupts with a laugh.  
“You have what’s called pulmonary coccidioidomycosis,” Ilsung says. “Also known as valley fever. It’s endemic in the area of California you traveled to.”  
Jinhwan looks at each of his doctors. “It’s curable?”  
“It’s treatable,” Sungmi says. “But for our purposes, yes, it’s curable.”  
“You’ll need to come in for regular checkups to make sure the antifungals are working, but we have no reason to believe the disease is chronic. It proliferated this long because we kept misdiagnosing you,” says Ilsung.  
“There is just one thing though,” Jangmi says.  
Jinhwan’s heart drops. “What is it?” he asks stiffly.  
“The nodule in your lung. In most people it’s benign, usually goes away on its own, but for you we’re afraid that it could become malignant at some point down the line.”  
Jinhwan holds tight to Junhwe’s hand. “Can we do anything about it?”  
“That’s the one thing,” Sungmi and Jangmi say in unison.  
“We’re going to need to monitor it for at least two years, and depending on what it looks like, we might do a biopsy. Worst case scenario, we surgically remove it.”  
“Please just take it out,” Jinhwan says, starting to get hysterical. “Please take it out, get it out of me, please—”

He starts coughing, spitting up flecks of blood and hunks of mucus, and Junhwe rubs his back while Jangmi brings him some tissues. The fit passes, and Jinhwan washes his hands. He can feel everyone’s eyes boring into his back while he does. “We can’t do anything about it until you’ve fought off the coccidioidomycosis,” he hears Sungmi say. Fine. Jinhwan supposes it’s fair that they don’t slice his chest open for major surgery before he’s well. Ilsung gives Jinhwan a few handouts on valley fever, antifungal prescriptions, and then schedules his next appointment. Every two weeks until Ilsung decides otherwise. Jangmi walks with Jinhwan and Junhwe to the car and hugs Jinhwan goodbye. “I’m serious about calling me anytime.” Jinhwan nods once. Jangmi gives Junhwe a hug too, and she waves goodbye to both of them until they’ve driven out of sight. Jinhwan wants to feel relieved, and on some level he is relieved that it isn’t cancer, but he still feels crushed. It might not be cancer, but he’s still extremely ill, and he’ll be dealing with the effects of this disease for months. Years, even, if he counts the presence of the nodule. But that’s it, isn’t it? The fact that there’s a tiny tissue mass in his lung—benign though it may be—worries Jinhwan. He can try not to think about it, but he’ll have to go to the hospital frequently to make sure it’s still noncancerous. Jinhwan isn’t sure he can keep his anxiety at a minimum for as long as the nodule is a problem, but just as he starts to work himself up, he feels Junhwe’s hand on his knee. He turns to look at Junhwe, who is gazing at Jinhwan with an inscrutable expression.

“It sucks, but at least it isn’t cancer.”  
Jinhwan nods.  
“It’ll go away.”  
Jinhwan looks back out the window. “Hopefully.”  
“It will,” Junhwe says firmly. Jinhwan smiles weakly. 

Jinhwan still feels rather ill for quite some time, but the most severe of his symptoms begin to fade as the months go on. Eventually the most irritating symptoms Jinhwan experiences are from the medications themselves (the usual nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea), but Jinhwan has gone through chemotherapy; after that, the antifungals seem like nothing. Junhwe is incredibly supportive over the course of Jinhwan’s illness, doing everything he can to make sure Jinhwan is comfortable and happy. When Jinhwan’s hospital visits start growing more infrequent, Junhwe stops going to all of them. (He still goes to most of them, though.) After almost a year Jinhwan is pulled from the antifungals, and Ilsung brings up the nodule again. It hasn’t grown any larger or shown any other signs that it’s become cancerous, and now that Jinhwan is nearly recovered, Ilsung suggests a biopsy. "Just to be sure." Jinhwan agrees, and though he still wants them to just remove the damn thing, he recognizes that major surgery to remove a tiny, benign mass probably isn’t the most sound of decisions. Ilsung also stresses that the nodule hadn’t simply formed while Jinhwan had been otherwise healthy, but had been caused by the infection. The risk of lung cancer is minuscule, Ilsung assures Jinhwan. His medical history just makes everyone wary. 

The biopsy goes well. It doesn’t take much more than an hour, Jinhwan only coughs up a little blood, and the soreness around the incision site is minimal. He has to wait in the limited-stay area for a few more hours for observation so the doctors can ensure there were no complications, so Junhwe, Hanbin, Bobby, Yunhyeong, and Chanwoo come to keep him company. They even FaceTime Donghyuk for a while. “I’m planning you a no-fucking-cancer-fuck-yeah-and-also-fuck-fungi party!” Hanbin announces proudly. Hanbin had (predictably) not taken Jinhwan’s latest illness well at all, but maturity, perspective, and the fact that the illness hadn’t been cancer had mitigated his reaction. Even so, Jinhwan (despite feeling so sick) had made sure to spend more time with Hanbin and Bobby throughout the duration of his illness. Hanbin needs constant assurance that Jinhwan isn’t going to fade away without warning. The others had been understandably upset by the news, but they too have been nothing but supportive. (Jinhwan thinks Yunhyeong has perhaps been too supportive because Jinhwan honestly has no idea what he’s supposed to be doing with the dozens of cakes Yunhyeong keeps baking for him.) His sister has sent him care packages, and his mother has gone with him to a few appointments. Really, Jinhwan is glad that everyone seems to have taken this illness well—probably because there is an end in sight, whereas with cancer, there is no real end to the fear that it brings. It's been years since his diagnosis, but Jinhwan is still struggling with it.

When Jinhwan is discharged, Hanbin wants to have a party (“Just a little one, hyung! Not the fuck-fungi one, though, that’s gonna be a fucking extravaganza!”), but Jinhwan just isn’t feeling up to it, so Junhwe takes him home. Once they’re home, Jinhwan calls his sister and then his mother to let them know that he’s fine, and then he settles into bed. Junhwe brings him some soup, which Jinhwan eats slowly. Junhwe takes the bowl away when Jinhwan is finished, does the dishes, and then comes back in with a glass of water. “Lie down with me?” Jinhwan asks in a small voice. Junhwe says nothing, just smiles, his eyes full of love as he slides into bed beside Jinhwan. He yawns and snuggles up against Jinhwan, his head on Jinhwan’s shoulder, his hand on Jinhwan’s chest (though carefully avoiding the bandage). “It’s been a long day,” Junhwe says sleepily. Jinhwan runs his fingers through Junhwe’s hair absently and closes his eyes. It has been a long day. It’s been a long few months. But for Jinhwan, there is no one else he’d rather have been with during such a trying time than Junhwe. Junhwe, who had, by some strange convergence of coincidences, by some bizarre accident of life, come crashing into Jinhwan’s life more than five years ago. Junhwe, who had somehow nestled himself into that dark, special place between Jinhwan’s heart and soul. Junhwe, who Jinhwan loves so much he can’t explain how or why or when he’d started to feel this way. “Hey,” Jinhwan says. “I love you.” Junhwe sits up and kisses Jinhwan’s forehead. “More than anything,” he murmurs. Junhwe settles back down with his head against Jinhwan’s shoulder, and as his eyes close, so do Jinhwan’s. Jinhwan covers Junhwe’s hand on his chest with both of his own, and it feels like he and Junhwe are melting together.

Jinhwan drifts off to sleep with a smile on his face, feeling, for the first time in months, that he’s warm and safe. He’ll be fine. As long as he’s got Junhwe, Jinhwan will be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed. I'd also like to say thank you for reading all of the Accidents of Life series if you did... I never thought I'd ever finish that, let alone post it or write two additional stories to go along with it. So thank you for all of the support! It really means a lot to me.
> 
> Minimal notes this time...?
> 
> 1\. Again, may or may not be inspired by real life events... (but of course, not theirs).
> 
> 2\. Donghyuk is at Harvard law.
> 
> 3\. This is really the end of the series (probably). I think I've finally gotten it out of my brain. Hope you guys enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing!


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